Reoccurring "Dream"

My child self can't be saved. But most nights I dream about trying to save my child self.

I am running and screaming and losing my breath. Stumbling and shouting for my self to run away. But she just sits there on that stoop on Nagle avenue hands to her chin watching me. I always get to the court yard but I never get close. I run and I run and the court yard gets longer and longer.

I remember my innocents at that time, my eyes wide and bright. What hope I had, what dark secrets and pain I held.

I scream "run away Ashley run!" but all I do is sit there... in that tattered rose colored outfit and a pair of two small shoes... I know I cant save my self from the evils of my past, I know that screaming to my younger self will not keep me from the pain I endured and the abuse that I suffered through... but I keep doing it.

And thats my version of a good nights rest

Por Que Jaysus Chronicles: Mouth Wash

Some times I have to ask Jaysus... WHY??? Then there is times that I have to ask Jaysus WTF?!?!?!
Today I am documenting the madness that I witness on the Holy Grail of hot mess, sewer activity, and occasional awesomeness New Jersey Transit local route bus... Alcoholism at its very best... a older man in his 50's drinking mouth wash. This was not the travel size mouth wash either... full on family dollar brand heaping bottle of green mouth wash that he casually placed to his mouth and performed what I call the tornado gulp...
Definition: Tornado Gulp: When a person drinks a bevrage out of a bottle at such a rapid pace the remaining liquid in said bottle spins in a to a tornado-like funnle. Best achived when holding the bottle between a 135 and 180 degree angle to your mouth.
Then he coyly placed the top back on to said bottle and slid the huge bottle into his jacket... Por Que Jaysus?
But on a lighter note... I am sure his drunken burps smell awesome...

The Ghetto Ain't a Place its a Mindset

So this is a lesson I learned many moons ago... but every now and then I get a chin check from life and get reminded...

People are ghetto... Places aren't

I lived in New Jersey for over 4 years. Its a wonderful place compared to the rat filled streets are Harlem. In New York schools are pretty CRAPPY and on top of that we don't have any pools. I come to New Jersey and every damn school has a pool. These dumb mothers out here are too young to raise their children and to ignorant to learn how to. Your kids schools have pools... thats says that there is money in they system to educate your child but these "parents" don't enforce the mindset of gaining knowledge... Instead the show their children the "get them before they get you" mentality... "Keep up or get left" is the life these dump mothers are living... so 3 pair of Jordan's later there is no food on the table. These people fight to get section 8 but don't fight to keep their children in the correct grade for their age.

The woman across the street from me has a daughter that is 10 years old in the 3rd grade. This same woman has 5 kids and they all share a bedroom with her. She lives in a 3 bedroom house along with her father mother niece nephew and some other random broad whom I am unsure her status in the family.... and NO one has a job.

Last night around 11 PM my next door neighbor's daughter got shot two times in the leg and it was in front of the house across the street... Then they to proceeded tell the cops to "fuck off" when they wanted to ask questions.

My next door neighbor and her kids are also unemployed ghetto ass gutta butts. So I am sure the girl whom got shot had that shit coming to her. Hot in the ass and another advocate for not raising your own children the girl who got shot been in the rear of police vehicles for violent shit and some non-violent shit. Her mother is half ass raising her daughter. And I am sure she did a shitty job raising the ingrates she call her children as well

I am just too done what people putting their minds in ghetto solitude... we really need to do better.

Self Discrimination

Today I do what I normally do and go to work. I been working for this company for a little longer than 3 years. I wear what I normally wear and I know that I am not dressed "normally" cause well I am not normal... (That's a whole different blog all together so I'm not even going to go there) As I enter the building I see the group of people who clean some of the offices in the building. I seen these guys before and hand a similar encounter with them before but tonight's encounter was one weird enough to write about.

It is a little before 11 PM cause I work the slave ship grave shift and I swipe my key card to get into the building and the guy says "hey!" I politely say hi and head to the elevator... He ask if you don't clean this building what exactly do you do... now a few months back he asked me if I clean the building and I told him no and went about my business; tonight, however I was in the business of entertaining fools so I decided to humor this man.

I asked "why do you want to know?" He laughs...
"I missed the joke" I retorted as I pressed the elevator button
"You are also missing your broom" He said
I turned to him and showed him the kindest smile I could bring to part my lips
"I know no sista would be working in here doing more than broom pushing and window cleaning... there is no reason for you to lie to me. So let me ask you a question sis... Where do you keep your supplies cause it would be easier for me to leave some of my cleaning stuff here too" He continued.
Now as bold as this man was and a hormone ripped I was... I turned to the elevator walked in and let the doors closed. I took six deep breaths.... One Two Three Four Five SIX... I didnt feel any better so I pressed the 1 button watched the elevator doors open and steped back out into the lobby and it was like my mouth opened and words flew out in the most nastiest form that I could ever fix my lips to make
and it went a little something like
"I work here you ingrate... you chose the life you live and not I. I did not give you your broom and you did not give me any of the books I had to read to get this fucking job. My fucking brown skin has nothing to with the pinkish color of my brain but it is more than obvious you blame your brown skin for the brown shit that pours out of your mouth. Now IF i had a broom here in this building I assure you sir that I would have retrived it to shove up your rectum. Now let ME ask you a question bro... Why do you blame YOUR race for you pipe dreams only accumlating to vacums and dirty mop water?"
I watched as his jaw hit the floor and I waled back into the elvator pressed 6 and looked him dead in the eye as the doors closed...

BTW I was wearing this outfit
Lime green peacoat
Pink hoody
ripped jeans
pink leggins
black Chucks

Tardy??

I hate to wait for and on a perpetual habitually tardy person. My girlfriend is one of those people. If you would have asked me last year "Mocka what people do you HATE?" I would have said "White racist and Late Nigros" I no longer can say I hate late nigros because the woman I dearly love is one! He on going denial of it is sicking. When we were first dating she would ask me to call her at 7 AM to "wake her up for work" so everyday 7 AM I would call her and everyday at 7 AM she will fall back to sleep for anothe 1/2 hour to hour and a half.... and she can't understand why she was always late? Lateness drives me bizzerk! I cant stand it... its like my people really believe that CP time is a real thing to live by.... no nigros... there is standard time (12 hour clock) and military time (24 hour clock)... CP time is a slur why live by it! Ok I am done ranting

Keep it tight people!

Mocka

Are you an idiot?

I feel like this is a question that many people should take up and ask them selves...
Before you start a random conversation with a random person whom you never in life conversed with you should take a Snickers or a Twix break and ask your self "self are you an idiot" If you don't get back to your self immediately chances are you a huge idiot and should refrain from conversing with individuals whom may or may not have more intellectual strength than you...
Now that I got that out of the way...

• If you see me talking on the phone why do you feel the need to ask "are you on the phone"

• If you ask me for a dollar everyday that you see me going to work and everyday I say no why would you think I would give you $5?

• Assumptions are for Asses... (its in the word)

• I know it may be amazing, new, and exciting... but people please for the love of our lord and savor Michale Jackson... stop asking me how tall I am... and stop acting in disbelife when I tell you I am 6'2.5 I been this height since I was like 12... yes I said 12 you nimrod I would know my height... Better yet stop freaking asking already... I get asked how tall I am everyday... but total strangers... everyday... everyday... everyday... can you spell REDUNDANT??

and on that note
No men you can not beat me in ball
No you may not take a picture of my legs
No you may not touch my legs
No I will not play on your shitty nameless team
No I will not dunk on you
No I can not dunk
Yes I am from an island
That island is named Manhattan
Manhattan is between Brooklyn and New Jersey
No I am not being a smart ass
Oh when you asked me what island I was from I chose the answer that suited the question best.
No I am not Jamaican
My mother was born on Manhattan island as well
No I am not from the "Tropics"
Yes I wear heels
No I will not strip at your club
Yes I can dance
Yes I walk with my head held high
Yes I sit up and stand straight


Well have you asked your self this question today?

Broken Freaking Finger

So with the luck of the luckiest I broke my freaking finger on the the handle hinge on my lawn mower... (NOT THE BLADE but the FREAKING HANDLE HINGE) Compound fracture at its most beautiful and glorious. Lawd yes... bone was not only broken it was sticking out from under my nail well I will save you all the beauty of my finger at it grossest but I will show you my lovely X-rays...
They are beautiful